fuck.

i just bit all of my fingernails off.

my friend's dream + my illustration = masterpiece.

(click to enlarge)

(click to enlarge)

come on, shorty. drop a funky beat. & let's dance 'til we can't feel our feet.

this weekend:

danced like no one was watching.
looked good.
made out with two white guys. (don't worry i'm not a whore... i'm just enjoying my youth & singleness... and i'm NOT having sex... well, at least not yet... just kidding. or am i? jk. AGAIN! i'm not a whore!)
got hit on by the same guy that hit on my roommate... who's ALSO a guy. weird.
had some guy feeding me gravy-fries at 4:30am.... because i'm G like that.

basically... i had the time of my life. the end.

be careful what you wish for... you just might get it.

okay soooo....
remember when i was going through all of that stuff with my ex? crying over him daily? having panic attacks?... basically just being a punk ass bitch?

well, i've come a long way.
it's safe to say that i'm COMPLETELY over him. i'm not attracted to him in any way, shape or form - not physically and not mentally.
don't get me wrong, he's a great person - he's smart and he has several other awesome qualities, but my taste in men has definitely matured.

anyway... since my visit to LA (i returned to Nashville last week), he's been trying to jump-start this newly defined friendship. He wants us to be the best of friends who are able to open up to each other about any and everything... including extremely awkward topics - dating, sex and relationships.

so i'm trying it out.
i've told him about the persian i kissed and the "head-encounter" (use your imagination) i experienced during my visit.
of course he showed mild jealousy - telling me i should have enough respect for myself to not involve myself in those types of activities, blah blah... but i told him it "wouldn't go any farther than that and i'm just having fun..." and surprisingly, he remained pretty cool about everything.

but as of late, he's been bombarding me with calls, texts, instant messages, and ichats. he wants to communicate with me every moment of the day and it's happening so much that i'm beginning to believe that he's developed feelings for me again and he's beginning to realize what a douche he's been so he's trying to make up for it in hopes that ONE day, MAYBE he'll have another chance with me (EVEN though he has a girlfriend AND i've expressed to him that i've FULLY moved on).

...he's starting to get (wait for it... wait for it...) ANNOYING!!! (for those of you who don't know, my "annoying" behavior was his reason for calling off our relationship... apparently i was demanding TOO much of his time... OH! and keep in mind that eight out of twelve months i'm billions of miles away in nashville)

recently, he's expressed to me that "the annoyance" wasn't the real reason he broke it off, he was actually having "internal conflicts"... but i'm not gonna lie, his last words, "YOU'RE ANNOYING" rings in my ears everytime i talk to him... and that shit hurts.

wait am i rambling?

well... anyway. the point is he called me annoying... and now he's becoming just that!
i don't know if it's because he's scared that if he stops calling i'll find the love of my life and i won't spend my happilly ever after with him.
i don't know if it's because he's upset that i'm moving on just fine and having the time of my life as a single woman... while he's stuck dating some lame-duck, boring, holier than thou chick who smiles SO much it's creepy.
i don't know what it is, but i NEED to make it stop.
how do i make it stop without hurting his feelings? i don't necessarily want to end our so-called friendship... i just want to bring the intensity down a notch... or twelve.

while you are pondering that question and forming a strategy for me, i shall leave you with details of my NEW type:
*above 6 feet.
*artsy-fartsy.
*has a mustache and impeccable style.
*has a bike... not a motorcycle... an actual motor-less bike.
*intelligent.
*talkative.
*musically inclined.
(if you have 5 out of 7, you can get it too)

so guy, if you're out there, call me, text me, ichat me, facebook me, leave a comment, whatever... i want you.

pointless update.

my nails are growing. my ex and i are still awkward... but get this: now we're awkward FRIENDS! sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

anyway... here's what progress looks like. i know. they probably still look short to you. don't judge me. this growth experience is VERY intense for me.

ha.

sidebar: good morning? fuck that. bad morning. VERY bad MOURNING.

i'm trying. i'm REALLY trying.

i want to get over him. i NEED to get over him.

but nights/mornings like this make it nearly impossible.

i had a dream... wait scratch that... a NIGHTMARE about he and his new girlfriend moving to Texas and getting married (why Texas? idk.) but i'm not gonna lie, it pissed me off and made my insides churn.

i was supposed to be "the one" he'd be with forever. WE were supposed to get married. WE were supposed to raise a family together... not he and this... Maya-girl.

... anyway, i woke up crying and continued to do so for another hour.

why does it hurt so bad?

(to be continued...)